I stepped away from this Jeremiah journey for a bit, honestly, because it was becoming too personal. I have shared things here that I kept silent about for decades, but I think God has a reason for that. I have felt led to write a book for years, and I have worked on it a little, but always end up stopping. Pouring myself out on paper can be both therapeutic and damaging. Memories come up that have long been buried, and truths come forth that are bound to hurt people that I care about. Shocking realizations about myself, both what I have done and what I have allowed to be done to me, have been hard to see. It has taken me almost 30 years and a dream from God to see truths about things that I have taken the blame for since my kids were very small. I have kept silent, both in order to keep the peace, and out of fear.
I have spent a lifetime buried beneath lies and secrets, stuck in the mire. John 8:32 says, "And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free." I believe that my truth will not only heal and set me free, but can help so many others who are walking the paths that I've walked. It doesn't really matter what MY reasons are for writing..."God told me to," is all of the reason that I need.
It is time for some healing, renewing, refreshing, and new life. Many of the wounds in my past are deep, hidden ones. From the time I was born, through my first marriage, and all the way up until a few years ago, everyone I was around demanded that I keep hiding more and more secrets, but it is time someone had the bravery to remove those nasty, dirty bandages and clean out those festering sores. It is time the truth is dragged out into the light and exposed. It is time for clean air to hit those disgusting wounds.
I have lived a lifetime afraid to take those bandages off because I was afraid that my loved ones would be hurt or angry, and I was afraid of what people would think when they see those truths. Some of them were created by ancestors that I never even knew. Some, by people who I know and love, some by abusive people who weren't capable of loving, and some of those wounds were created by me. It is time to rip off that band aide and let the light shine on all of those sins, including my own. While many say we should let the past go, sometimes, you have to face it and expose it before healing can start.
I grew up in a world where we were constantly worried about what others would think. Even before my Dad was a pastor, it seemed my Mother exclaimed daily, with much fear and exasperation, "What will people think?!" I was forbidden from telling the dark truths of our family. I can literally remember my Mom and Dad screaming at each other as I tried to keep my little brothers calm so that they wouldn't target the anger towards us.
Then suddenly, the fight would be put on hold; it was time for church. We would all paint on our perfect little Christmas card family smiles, walk across the parking lot from the parsonage to the church building, and present ourselves as a loving family. That fake happiness has followed me all through adulthood, through abusive relationships, family gatherings, social media, and even church services. It has been exhausting to wear those masks for all of these years. It is time they came off. Sometimes, breaking family curses and chains isn't pretty.
So, I am back on this Jeremiah journey, because for some reason, I feel that God wants me to finish this before I start back on that book. I don't presume to know why...I trust that He has His reasons. Maybe there is wisdom in this journey that I need before I proceed. Maybe more memories and enlightenments will come. Maybe some of these blog posts will end up being part of that book. I don't know; not all of them are about me or my past or family. I have to keep going to find out what this whole Jeremiah journey is about. And so, I shall...and the truth shall set us free.
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